How I Deal With Rejection
This article comes from a topic trade with Ava, her blog here.
I'll be the first to admit, I don't usually take rejection well. I often struggle with Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (likely due to my ADHD), so I tend to have a disproportionate reaction to rejection or criticism. Feeling like I'm somehow less-than and falling into a spout of depression. It can lead me to having a hard time managing my emotions, or even talking.
I try and work on this response to rejection, I used to opt for a "I couldn't care less" attitude. However, sometimes this doesn't work out, especially if the perceived rejection comes from someone I really care about.
I think what has helped me the most, outside of some assistance from my friend Maria Juana ;), is taking in a bit of wisdom from the ancient stoics. Understanding that my emotions are generally not tied to the event itself, but rather my judgements about the event. This lets gives me the power to try and change the judgement and thus my response to it. For example, when my wife tells me I need to do a better job of helping with chores (which I notoriously am not very consistent with), my judgement forms saying "I suck as a human being". From a stoic perspective, what I'm reacting to is my judgement to my wife's request, not the request itself. I can then recognize I have the power to change that judgement, to something like "oh, yeah I guess I haven't been helping out much recently" and can then let go of that dysphoria. It's not easy, but often the things that help us the most are not always the easiest.
I have started to take on a sort of mental stance of allowing people to have whatever feelings they do about me. I can't control how people perceive me, so I should just let them feel/think however they want about me. This more goes for more of those interactions where a family member might disapprove of what I may be doing with my life, or just the general opinions of others. However if my wife is having a bad day, this mindset helps me not fall down the same mental rut she is in and can help me be more present for her needs and not feed off of the negative emotions.
I've been constantly trying to work on how I perceive rejection, its not fun to fall into despair every time I encounter criticism, constructive or otherwise. I'm trying to work with myself to take that step and view my judgements and change them. This is fundamentally what is done in Cognitive Behavior Therapy, its worked for me in the past in other areas and continues to help me in this area too. It's not fool proof, but doing what I can is ultimately what leads to long term changes. Thanks again Ava for this blog idea, it was fun to write and gave me a much needed reminder to continue working on my RSD.
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