sacrificing myself for social acceptance
When I was growing up in the 2000s, I was (and still am) the nerd. I dressed kinda dorky, I leaned in hard to my niche interests (my obsession for Halo 3 was strong), and I was always reminded by adults how smart and mature I was for my age.
Growing up, I was mostly around adults, so I didn't feel like I fit in with other kids, especially being an only child (sorry, Pirate doesn't have a hot brother or sister he can hook you up with).
During this time, I was being shaped by the shows I watched, Suite Life of Zack and Cody, Wizards of Waverly Place, Drake and Josh, etc. These shows sent a clear message, don't be a nerd, its not cool to be smart. So, I internalized that. I didn't even try to get into reading (not that I even remotely had the attention span or patience for it), I became rigid in the clothes I wore (refusing to wear a pair of sketchers my dad bought for me, which even my mom had to clue him in those were dorky as hell), etc.
I tried to dumb myself down to not appear to be a nerd, with a mix of puberty, a haircut that didn't come from Great Clips, and decent clothes, I was able to reform myself coming into my sophomore year. It was a sort of "fake it till you make it" sort of thing.
I didn't really engage with my interests that I still knew I had, but rather tried to adopt the interests of people that I knew people thought were cool (or at least I did). Some of this turned out for the better, got into System of a Down because of one of these guys.
At a certain point, I felt like I DID make it. I was getting hit on left and right from both teams. I wasn't "popular" per se, but I was fluid within the various cliques, getting along with the jocks, the nerds, the alt kids, the drug dealers, all of them. I was "cool" by my own self-imposed metrics. Though, I quickly learned that I was kinda turning shallow.
I was getting a lot of dates, but I never really figured out how the social interaction side of this worked, so I probably ruined the chance of more longer-term relationships because I didn't fully grasp how this all worked. Probably coming off too strong, or moving too fast because I couldn't fluidly navigate romantic relationships.
I leaned hard into dumbing myself down, because that's what I had internalized from observations in real life and on tv. The popular people weren't smart, they were dumb, but super "in" with the pop culture. They were also coming from rich families which played a huge role, which was something that I never figured out until much later in life.
I never felt like I, myself, was dumb. I knew I was smart. I just tried to hide that aspect of me and tried harder to be "funny". I found that is what people also liked. Which I guess that is where I tried to gear my intelligence towards.
I had figured out that if you can make people laugh, be nice to look at, and not intimidate them with trying to be the smart one, you have a recipe for success.
I mean, I was never much of a reader until adulthood and serious ADHD medication, but back then I straight up mocked reading. Thought it was pointless and if you were to read something, have it be "practical" (this was code for a self-help/business book as this was the era of the finance Gurus like Tai Lopez).
It felt off. Like I was wearing a costume. I'd go home and it was like I was a different person. I loved spending hours on my PC playing Gmod online and playing Legend of Zelda on my Wii.
Growing older I realized how vapid this all was. I wasn't actually doing anything for me, my interests weren't really mine. I was doing things because I was trying to seek validation. When you spent your formative years being made fun of and being called "ugly" by girls, all of a sudden becoming the attractive guy like the cool characters on shows that you always wanted to be. I was "cool" but that moment was fleeting because when I got moved to an entirely different state, I was back to square one, being the outsider. Being an atheist in a mostly-Mormon school is bound to do that.
This sort of pining for social acceptance, crept into my adulthood. I was wearing (admittedly well-fitting which isn't a bad thing) and bland clothes. Nothing with real personality to it. Just grey shirt, black pants, white shirt, dark wash jeans. I almost quit video games to try and fit this mold, but thankfully my wife talked some sense into me (though I regrettably didn't listen at first and sold off some of my consoles and games).
So, reflecting on this as a full-cooked adult, I would say I learned a lot. The problem really wasn't that I was smart, it was being the "uhm axchtually" guy. Some people do get intimidated by intelligence, but most of the time people just hate being around a know-it-all. The other thing was, I gave up so much of myself to appease people that I really didn't even like. My best friends were the other outsiders, my best friend is a AuDHD nerd like me.
In my adulthood, I spent a lot of time figuring out who I actually was, what I actually like, what I was actually about. Which some would call this my de-masking period. I stopped trying to be hot shit and just tried to be me. I stopped fixating on wearing clothes that were recommended to me by male influencers and just started wearing clothes that I liked wearing.
I hope I can save my daughter from this mindset I had when I was coming into my formative years. I may not be able to, but I hope I can at least be there to guide her through it. I hope she'll see that the best people you can have in your life are people that you can fully be yourself around, unmasked.
It's okay to be a nerd, having things your passionate about is what makes you interesting, most people's "hobby" is social media and watching TV, so having something that genuinely unleashes something within you is great. The thing that'll make people gravitate toward you is being a kind and genuine person. You can be the joker (no not THAT joker), but don't force yourself to be that if it's not your forte, not everyone needs to be Chandler Bing. Just be you, take care of yourself, and don't be a prick. It's kinda that simple.
Most importantly, stop trying to appease people who don't respect you, because odds are if you change yourself to match their mold, they'll still find a way to oust you.
Reply via email: me@absurdpirate.com
as of writing this...
I'm early at work. I'm usually the first one here and after a conversation with my friends on discord I got inspired to write this article. I was initially going to title it "tv taught me to be be 'dumb'", but then it quickly spiraled out of that scope. My wife has a busy day today, so I'll be the primary parent today. Looking forward to spending time with my little girl. She's been getting into playing one of my childhood games, Bob the Builder on the PS1. She just calls it "Tractor Game". She loves excavators, but calls them "tractors" because its a lot easier for a toddler to say than "excavator". She used to say "dvv-dvv" for tractor, but now actually says the word properly now which is kinda cool to see that development. Now she's starting to put sentences together and recall lyrics to songs. Kid's not even 2 yet and is blowing me away with how much she's picking up.