When and How Did I Become A Different Person
My friend Cris came up with the topic for the unofficial Bear Blog Carnival. I've loosely talked about my various arcs, from my fuckboy arc, my redpill arc, etc. I thought it would be fun to kinda combine it all and reflect.
My Submission
I have had several shifts in when I became a different person, I think we are always changing as people. Each new experience has the chance to change us fundamentally. However, I think I can point out a few distinctive "arcs". I have gone through remakes, remasters, and rebrandings. So, without further ado, let's get started.
Kid Pirate
This point was probably marked by ages 3-12-ish. I have memories going back to about my 3rd birthday where I got overwhelmed and started crying because people were singing happy birthday to me. Kids am I right?
This time in my life, I found my love for video games. Played LOTS of Halo 2 and 3. Despite my parents struggling from the '08 crash, I was a pretty happy kid. I played with my best friend at the time doing fake Halo 3 Machinimas, grabbing our nerf guns and playing pretend scenarios of our favorite games, stuff like that. It was a great time to be a kid. This was before every kid got a smartphone in their pocket, so outside play was plentiful. I miss those days a lot, I don't see kids outside as much as I used to, maybe it's just me.
I was always the loner, kept to myself mostly, I wasn't really great at making friends, so largely I just played with by myself.
I was the dorky kid, had friends, but good luck being recognized by anyone that was "popular". As I got older, I realized how much I didn't fit in. I wore wire-framed glasses (and no not the stylish kind, the ones your dad probably wears, no not the aviator styles). I wore clothes that were the right brand, but the wrong size. I had a $10 haircut that just made everything else worse. Could I BE more of a social blunder?
It didn't help I didn't realize what "cool" even meant. I tried to "rebrand" myself, I stopped being referred to as my childhood nickname in favor of my full first name.
I think the older I got, the less happier I became. I realized who I was made me a pariah, so I had to change that, for better or for worse.
The Fuckboy
Coming into my teenage years, a few things happened. My dad died, I changed schools, and puberty hit me like a truck. I was down a role model, and was now being considered the "hot guy". There were a lot of questions I would have asked my dad, but with him no longer in the picture, I had to figure it out for myself. It didn't turn out great.
I started getting called attractive at around 13, and when you're used to being called "ugly" by girls your age, that goes straight to your head. I don't know if it was puberty that did it, or I finally got a decent haircut/wore better clothes. I started seeing advice from these men's influencer channels, learned how to dress myself better(?) and picked up some charisma tips. It helped that my lesbian (no I'm not being a dick, she is actually a lesbian) ex-girlfriend helped me un-doofus myself a bit.
God, being the joker he is, made sure I was still largely socially incompetent, I was attractive as long as I kept my mouth shut and didn't talk about some weird niche thing I was into.
At this point, I tried really hard to differentiate myself from who I was my freshman year of high school. I tried really hard to take on the bad-boy persona (I settled for the "I have no idea what is going on so I'm gonna pretend I don't care" persona). It was at this point I was also considered a diet form of popular, well-known, liked, but not really in the typical popular teen cliques.
Wrestling was a haven of sorts where I could get out a lot of aggression, but without my dad there, I lost the heart for it. I didn't take it seriously as I could have despite being pretty damn good at it. I got the nickname "RKO [My last name]" because I would randomly RKO the other wrestlers to comedic effect.
I somewhat look fondly at this era.
The Alt-Right Pipeline/Manosphere
I would say this is still part of the Fuckboy arc as they kinda worked out at the same time and preached similar lifestyles. This arc didn't come about until 2016, where I became a Trump "supporter", really I was just a contrarian and was listening to my libertarian mother, since I had no fucking clue.
I think at this point I was just trying to be a contrarian to annoy one of my closest friend, who was a total Bernie fangirl.
The Manosphere/Alt-Right pipeline is basically what daddy issues is for men. You watch Fight Club, and think Tyler Durden was some sage.
I turned 18 and the fuckboy arc was still in full force, but now amplified by alt-right talking points, watching Liberal Cringe Comp #56. I never really made this part known, but it was when I became more politically active.
I was still having casual sex to distract myself from... well myself. Even did amateur stuff on the Hub for a little bit to just try and feel SOMETHING other than self-loathing and boredom.
Looking back on it, I realize that the message spread by the manosphere/alt-right was categorically wrong. But I was incredibly naive, wasn't seeing the full picture. I never fully fit-in with this sector of the internet or mindset, there was a lot of "agree to disagree" happening.
Then I met the woman who would become my wife, and I started to change. The left-leaning atheist channels I followed started slamming the alt-right guys I was following. I began to see the holes in the Alt-Right, the bullshit they were feeding. I started to finally wake up and realize how much I hated what the alt-right/manosphere stood for.
I hated how much they pushed religious hypocrisy, I hated the purity culture, I hated how they made targets out of my friends (among them were LGBTQ+, women, and minorities), I hated THEM and their bullshit ethical posturing. I think the thing that pushed me over the edge was seeing Steven Crowder making a racial mockery of Bruce Lee, which led me down the rabbit hole of finding out just how racist they all were. I finally said "you know what, enough is enough you ALL suck, and you're all irredeemable".
I identified as a conservative/MGTOW/Red-Pilled because I thought this was the way to live a better life or would be better for society. I learned that they were full of shit, and were just trying to profit off of young men's insecurities. I was about 19-20 when I finally dropped the alt-right.
The Naive Liberal
Coming out of the Alt-Right pipeline is when I started to align more left. I realized the politics of the republican party didn't match what I believed in, and I started to see the grifters for what they were. So, I started going more democrat.
At this point, I would consider myself a techno-democrat, the liberal techie hoping to make a career in FAANG.
What finally broke this side of me was when I worked at a little startup as a graphic designer. COVID came, and I realized how shit the system is, and how much bullshit I was being fed (again).
I started reading on some debunking on socialism myths, and realized how much propaganda played a role in what we know about it here in the US. If socialism is doomed to fail, then why does the American government feel the need to murder political activists, spend billions to rape South American countries, and assassinate democratically-elected leaders?
I became politically apathetic which wasn't great. I realized my voice didn't matter to the politicians nor the billionaires stuffing said politicians' pockets. I realized that every corporation, politician, and conservative tight-wad were full of shit and needed to be told that to their face. All of this, without really knowing what to do about it. So, I started re-educating.
The Black Lives Matter protests were going on, and while I couldn't be there for the actual protest, I did try my hand at artistic protest. The one I was most proud of (that I think I unfortunately lost) was a compilation of 100 victims of police brutality/murder edited over the face of a cop. I censored the cops eyes and wrote "Black Lives Matter", and over the mouth I wrote "We can't breathe". It got a lot of positive feedback, but it wasn't enough. So, I started talking directly to politicians with other activists demanding change. This line of activism continues to this day, with my most recent act being walking at the No Kings protest.
The Rebel
I would consider this my current arc. Usually people say their rebellious stage is in their teens, and while I certainly had that, I say it's different now.
Politically, I identify as a socialist now and have been since I was about 22. Which is already an uphill battle in red-scare America. I've realized that the democrats and liberals (while I ally generally with them) didn't actually solve the root issue of capitalism.
My middle finger is permanently extended towards big tech and the American institution. When the society around me demands my conformity I tell them to eat shit.
I am the person at work that isn't afraid to say how much BS the higher ups are out loud. It's led to my coworkers feeling like they CAN speak up, because they know at least someone else isn't afraid to stand up with them.
You've now READ Fight Club, and pick up the messages of the plague of consumerism, and realize Durden, while on the right track, missed the mark and instead just became the problem he tried to fight.
I am at this point in my life where I refuse to comply with the encroachment of the people in power into my life. I don't vote much, but I am politically active. I've understood that democracy isn't just about throwing your vote into the void, but it's about standing in the streets with your fellow people, and protesting/fighting for a better tomorrow. It's about cooperation with your fellow members of the working class.
I look for alternative ways to take back power, even on a personal level. Its a constant battle, but it's one worth fighting. It's led to me meeting some really great people.
I hope to teach this same attitude to my daughter. To not just let authority trample all over them, I want her to know Dad always has her back when she righteously fights back and defends others.
The newest Superman movie really sent the message home for me, we don't do the right thing because it's easy. We do it because it's the right damn thing to do. Fuck the petty politics, fuck the political bureaucracy, fuck the concern for profits and the "won't someone think about the economy!". If people are hungry, we feed them. If people are homeless we house them. I have had enough of the chronic narcissism of society. The people that only do good deeds because a camera is on them. Posers. All of them.
I have cut contact with people I once called friends who cosign the bullshit of the current administration. I will not have it. Maybe five years ago I would have been afraid to lose friends even if they were Trump supporters. Not anymore.
Maybe I am compensating for the wrong things I've done by trying to radically move the other way. Either way, I feel I am finally on the right track, and I will continue to keep going. I'm not perfect in this regard, and maybe I "shoot first ask questions later", but I do my best to do what is right.
What Will My Final Arc Be?
It's hard to say what my future holds. I have an idea of what it might look like.
I still feel like I'd keep my rebellious tendencies, even in old age. Where the energy I once had, it may go to my daughter and/or my grandkids, and I support them from the sidelines. Taking on a sort of mentor role. Doing for them what my dad couldn't do for me.
I think in the future, I'll be more quiet. Tending to keeping my own peace after years of fighting and building up to retire from society relatively. Reaping the rewards from the hard work of my younger years maybe. Prioritizing the friendships I've built, my health, and my family.
And maybe, just maybe, be fully at peace.
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