how i come up with insults
Parental Advisory Warning
Ahoy there!
So, you may have read some of my articles and read my creative insults, cacophony of curses, my symphony of slurs if you will. For my friends in the GrizGaz discord server, this gets hammed up to 11.
Some notable insults I've written:
- "[...] quickly find a proctologist to have her head surgically removed from her own ass before she dies of methane poisoning from sniffing her own farts" my careless people article
- "find attached a jpeg of a penny, print it out, tear it up, and shove it up your ass and you will come to a rough approximation of the value at which I hold your opinion" from a draft of my "careful you don't split your ass sitting on the fence like that" post
- "Looks like someone gave sentience to a right testicle and gave it a face too small for the rest of its head" from the discord server
- "Calling Moscow Mitch McConnell the premature lovechild of Droopy Hound and a well-used Mia Malkova fleshlight" also from the discord server
- "get sodomized by a cactus you crusty bitch" from fuck you and your charity
This list goes on at this point, and a lot of them come from mock emails I type out in the discord channel in a faux-response to articles that particularly peeve me (careful you don't split your ass came from such mock emails).
The idea to write about my creative process came from talking with my friend Suliman on the GrizGaz server as he wrote an article that he said "Just wrote a post in the Pirate tradition..."
I figured, fuggit why not? It's kind of a fun rhetorical exercise, so here we go.
how do I insult people?
Did you ever play with Mad Libs as a kid? That's basically what I'm doing. For the uninitiated, Mad Libs are (were? idk if they still make them) these little booklets that would have a story, but parts of it were fill in the blanks with prompts. Example:
(masculine name) was a(n) (adjective) man who loved to (verb) his (noun).
So, you could fill in the blanks to create a funny story out of it.
Now take that concept and create an insult out of it. Let's break down my insult for ol' Moscow Mitch calling him the "premature lovechild of Droopy Hound and a well-used Mia Malkova fleshlight".
A lot of what I'm doing is observational humor, often I'm looking at caricaturable features such as big ears, jowls, big teeth,etc. For our beloved* senator of the Bluegrass State, it's basically the entire lower-half of his face.
Now I understand your reservations about picking on someone for their appearance. however, I hold no such reservations for fascists who look like The Great Goblin from the Hobbit got hate fucked.
Going back to the original insult, I notice he kinda has a droopy-ish face. Not from a stroke, but probably just sagging from Hell trying to claw his old ass back to where he was spawned. So, I kinda make the connection between him and Droopy Hound from the Hannah Barbara cartoons. Give the patron saint of "maybe the age of consent should be lowered" some "I don't get paid enough for this shit" eyes, and you can see the image.
Now, to really kick it up to eleven, I sometimes like to think of the first rancid thing that comes to mind. Which in this case, for some reason, was a fleshlight.
That could be the end of the insult "looks like a cross between Droopy and a fleshlight", but that doesn't quite have the umpf, or the chutzpah I'm wanting. So I ask myself, "how can I make this even more deranged?"
Well, starting with how I address the unholy matrimony of these two subjects. It's enough to just call it a "cross" between the two subjects, but I like to find a funnier synonym, lovechild.
Next, how do I crank up the fleshlight part of this whole thing? Being hyper-specific of course. So, it's not just a fleshlight, it's also well-used (+10 to ewwwww) and it's also specifically the one modeled after Mia Malkova (sorry Mia for you catching strays).
So there you have it. The fully cooked insult. I know showing you how the sausage is made kinda kills the illusion (if there even is one). All this processing formulates from the spark of the insult to the final creation in about 30 seconds, so it's borderline instinctual at this point.
This is of course just one example as I don't really follow a set formula that can be copied, but hey at least you know how maybe a handful of my insults are conjured up.
gamer pro tips
- having a vast knowledge of internalized reference material helps, this is how you get the various hyper-specific references and odd connections
- find an insult you like? yoink it like it's the last potato skin at a TGI Friday's. The proctologist insult came from a video I saw over a decade ago. Just be sure to add some extra zest to it, your own personal flair
- don't try too hard, just let it kinda flow out of you. when I'm writing my insults, the insult is coming out as I'm writing it.
Reply via email: me@absurdpirate.com
as of writing this...
I just got over a bout with food poisoning. Doing better now at least. Planning on playing some Super Mario 64 or Bioshock and maybe dabbling in some game dev again. Been getting that itch to work on this little project I've had an idea for for a while.